Dillon’s Story:
I saw a meme recently that basically said: “I named you because you didn’t have a voice. Now that you have a voice, it’s for you to tell the world who you are.”
It stuck with me – because long before I had that voice, I had a name. I just couldn’t use it yet.
My name began with an actor. Matt Dillon. Something about his quiet, soft but still confident and strong characters that he would play resonated with me. I thought at first it was a crush, but as so often happened, it was “I like you, I want to be you”. Funnily enough when I told my kid sister recently who I am now, she remembered that. She remembered how I wanted to be called that name.
As time went on, I’d slip the name into video games, the same ones where I could create my character and be myself. How I wanted to look, how I wanted to be. Every one male, dark hair, dark eyes, chiselled chin, normally a small goatee and yes, always named Dillon. See, they got to live as me, even if I couldn’t in the real world. And although it was only in a video character, the name felt right, like home.
Still, I wasn’t there.
I spent a long time trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be, until I couldn’t fight against it anymore.
Last October I came out finally as trans masc. I tried genderfluid for almost a decade after I first became certain I could no longer identify as my birth gender, but it always felt like I was sitting on the fence, finding safety instead of finding me. Then someone said, “But, you do know, as genderfluid/non-binary, you are trans and you’re allowed to be”. The day after my birthday, which coincides with national coming out day, my egg didn’t just crack, it blew wide open. Living as anything other than a man, a proud trans man, was no longer something I could do. I came out to my partner and a week later with my community.
Still the name, my name, remained hidden. When I first tried telling someone in real life, it didn’t go well. They weren’t a bad person, but they weren’t the right person to tell. I couldn’t say it because they weren’t the right one to tell. I was still wrestling with fear – fear of losing too much, fear I wouldn’t be accepted. So I stuck with a shortened version of my birth name, telling myself it was neutral, even though deep down I knew I was just placating the people around me.
The second time I tried to tell someone, I still couldn’t commit.
Even when I was asked if I wanted to be called Dillon, and happily so, I said no. That fear still had me in its grip.
Then my best friend, Ami, who I co-run Amelia’s Angels with, came along. She was the first person I felt completely comfortable letting use my name. It started when she was toying with the seeds of a short sci-fi story. She asked what I would like to be called if I could name a character that had been inspired by me. It felt safe to tell her, ‘Well, I have a name, my chosen name, if you’d like that?’
To see it written down, to know it had been joined with a character created because of me – that’s when I finally felt I really could become Dillon. For the first time, I saw him, because someone saw me.
From that moment, Ami only called me Dillon. To hear it out loud, spoken with sincerity and warmth, something just clicked. Every time we spoke, and we speak daily by text and by voice – every time she said my name, it was like a thread pulling together, piecing me together. It was not just a name; it was my identity.
You know when you’ve opened Pandora’s Box? That’s what it was like. There was no going back. These daily interactions with Ami started a chain reaction. Not long after, I put a post on my Threads space – my safe space – telling my community and friends who I was. I knew I would be accepted, and I was.
Even as I embraced Dillon in my safe spaces, the real world was my hardest hurdle. I was still scared people wouldn’t understand. So I took it slow, leaving clues by adding Dillon on my profiles in addition to my old name. The only problem was every time I heard my dead name, I died a little inside.
I felt I had to ready people around me for that change.
Then, this summer I attended my local Pride and for the first time, out and about I used Dillon when introducing myself. It felt so good to be called Dillon, to be amongst people who were thrilled to hear that and celebrated that joy (I have to also thank the lovely Glasgow Adult ADHD Peer Socialising guys I met who were so joyful – you are awesome). The smile on my face didn’t leave all day.
That evening, I sat and changed all my social media profiles to properly become Dillon. No longer willing to straddle two worlds around me. No more confusions, no more wincing at seeing the old name. No more placating everyone else while hurting myself.
I am Dillon.
I am now on the journey to change my name legally. My partner is even getting used to the name change, introducing me to the neighbours as Dillon. And my dear friend Ami helped me with my middle name. I trust her implicitly and she knows me so well. So I knew when it came to finding that name she would be the one I trusted to help me. I gave ideas to her, all of which were met with “no” until she said, “Why not Dillon Matthew?” After all, why not honour the man who inspired the name by taking a fuller version of his first name. It fit, perfectly.
Every time I hear Dillon, I feel stronger, more certain, more alive.
And that’s the joy I want to share with you — the profound joy of finally living in your own name.
UPDATE 16 Aug: Once you make a decision, you don’t want to sit on it. So, a few days ago, I had my deed poll for my name change signed and witnessed. Legally, because I live in Scotland, I still need to make a statutory declaration for some companies’ policies on name changes, but to have this deed poll in my hand is so special to my ongoing journey to be ME.
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